HE WANTS TO BE AN ACTAH

He wants to be an ACTAH

and go to Hollywood. Yup, It's true
to be seen and adored by millions..
of the rest of us...
like me and you...

He wants to go and act and sing
maybe dance a little too...
and do that in the MOVIES
to be seen by me and you.

We will fork over our hard earned dough
to see his talents emerge...
and every time I will look up there at him
I will feel my heart do a little surge

I will think...."I KNEW HIM WHEN"
when he was truly an unknown.

Course, now he has become a HUGE STAR
and to all those naysayers, he has shown

HE HAD IT.
HE HAD THE STUFF...
and the proof is plain to see
but what they really DON'T get shown
is ALL the work and pain it takes...
all done to be seen by you
and me.

NOPE. We don't see. We just sit in our seats
with popcorn in hand...and a drink...
and NEVER STOP to really analyze
or with our eager minds to think.

That boi.

He went to HOLLYWOOD
to become a great big star.
He went and he worked so hard,
and, BY GOD. It all took him really far.

But you know? I have to wonder...oh yes I do.
At night?
When all the work is done?

I WONDER...
if this big hero stud-muffin star
truly has any REAL fun.

NOT the HYPE
NOT the "GLAMOUR"
NOT the FANTASYland crap
NOT the stuff of dreams...

Nope. Just
walking hand in hand
in the moonlight,
two hearts touching.

I'm wondering if maybe sometimes?
Does his heart scream? Just a little?
For the wanting...of,
the things he is missing.

Walking along, kicking sand.

Two lovers along the beach.

OR DOES HIS HEART...STOP...
NOW AND AGAIN?
IS REAL LOVE for my big strong hollywood star,
just out of reach?

The love of someone NOT a STAH
LOVING This boi
for WHO HE REALLY IS.

NOT just for the image,
the manufactured celluloid...pop the cork champagne fizz,
that truly isn't much comfort in the cold wee small hours.
Empty hearts and plastic flowers and that is pretty much all.
Rise and then fall...and then...
WHAT?

No. I KNOW that boi.
I KNOW...he is needing someone to hold at night...
someone to run laughing behind a kite
kicking sand in each others face.

Someone to be LOOKING at HIM, and feeling their heart race

LOOKING...
at HIM...
not the make-up and the made-up, but HIM...
and this feeling of being
LOST IN SPACE

overcoming the race to the top of the bottom of the pile
where most actors eventually end up...
bankrupt of looks, sometimes money too...and the fame they
had so earnestly and devoutly sought...
and believed that that was what they needed to be WHOLE.
But, instead, winding up with a HOLE...in their heart,
where another PERSON oughta be.

AHHH, this timeless...ageless...pancake-make-up wonder

I wonder...
Will Hollywood tear him and his dreams...all asunder?

and hand him FAUX stuff..
cotton candy fluff
made up of...nuff..in?

I look up
at the screen...
DAMN,

still...
loving him, and
only wanting the best for that old love of mine...
and praying and hoping he won't settle for the rest.

and OH YES...remembering...
as a tear falls...yes, remembering...
SO good it was...back then...
back...then.

I knew him when.

We were SO good, but he wanted SO MUCH
to be an ACTAH.

Sigh.

(The phone rings...).

ENGULFED

I fought

the thought

the notion

like an ocean

it seemed to engulf me

I really knew

the view

into that abyss

was maybe not a pleasant

one

walking alone

flipping small stones

across the water

I oughta know better

the fresh crisp scent

of autum in the air

leaves fallen everywhere

like my emotional

well-being

seeing little

of my surrounding

landscape

I had come here

to escape

my worry

no hurry here

almost timeless

the messy visions

like the proverbial

sugar plums

while faeries danced thru my head

led by a nagging

doubt

almost a shout

rumbling thru my

discomfited

reverie

I knelt down..to pick at

a "last one of fall" flower petal

my heart felt like it was

entombed in a metal

caseing...

standing up,

I began pacing again

slowly walking on

I heard a fawn deer

somewhere near

traipsing

as they are wont to do,

trying to escape being someones

trophy or dinner

would it be a winner?

WOULD I>?

NEW LOVE
can be oh so hard

the wonder, the mystery

the uncertain things...

ahhhh...

sometimes your heart sings

sometimes its just fraught

with the history

of previous loves gone horribly

wrong

sometimes a VIBRANT love song

sometimes not

sometimes a spot of champagne

sometimes a glass of something

almost not drinkable...

unthinkable...

a virtual roundtable of emotions

cascading....

feelings

dealings

going on within

that silly thing

called your heart

that frequently does part company

with right good sense

DO YOU BUILD A FENCE?

or an open door?

do you want less, or more?

what does HE want?

A fun night?

or forever..

always?

or never?

will he come to play?

or to stay?

will YOU be the ONE for him?

he for you?

AHHH>>

NEW

SO NEW

and so I find myself out here

lost in thought

a fraught with danger time

excitement

anticipation

longing

longing to BE..

belonging.,.

needing....

WHAT?

A TIME OF REFLECTION

of meditation

of anticipation

of waiting

waiting for .....

MORE?

MORE?

less?

what a mess my heart is right now

I walk on,

alone,

and wonder........

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ENGULFED

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