THE PANTHER - ENCOUNTERS

Just a little something I penned. I hope u like. Of all the hundreds of poems, songs, stories, etc. that I've written I probably still find 'The Panther' one of my personal favorites. I don't know why. Just do. Actually, this is part of a series of three works that chronicle the three phases of adolescence relative to coming of age and coming out. In total, they deal with the process of one's coming to terms with one's sexuality... and... their homosexuality To start, PART II followed by the original. Then the lyrics to the accompaniment... 'I love you so Insatiable' )))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) THE ENCOUNTER------- )))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) He circled me, warily, steathily, his power SO obvious ... underneath his stride. I felt him, and felt warmed under that unrelenting gaze Amazing... The power in those awesome eyes... and then to my surprise he came right up next to me while his eyes, never straying stayed focused on mine. Unwavering. I felt my heart climb up into my throat. NOTE to self: What does he want with me? To what purpose is he here for. WHY? I felt a cry, deep down inside me... somewhere Terror perhaps, and/or fear? And yet...a sense of intrigue I am sure. Mystique, in that boi... I could tell it was not a ploy, but the real thing. Like a coiled spring he continued his incessant striding, almost as if riding herd on me. I can see, and FEEL his gaze. His unstoppable look, as I remember thinking to myself. Then suddenly I saw him crook his neck AS IF to beckon me. I was fascinated as I felt myself drawn to him...and so I went without hesitation for down deep inside where I usually hide, I had already felt him drawing me up. My cup of excitement already starting to overflow and I know my heart had stopped retreating. He, repeating his circling of me soundlessly, with only the sound of two hearts beating able to be heard above the roar I could hear coming from deep inside. THERE was...SILENCE except for that. AWESOME MYSTERIOUS SILENCE and, STIRRED I was, to a level I NEVER knew I could be and in an odd way... altho surrounded by this panther of a dude I felt more free than I EVER had before. I felt like a hunk of meat... hanging, swinging, vulnerable before a wild carnivore... and what's more, I was POWERLESS to resist his advance Could I survive this..? Could I escape? Could I run FAST enuf, FAR enuf, to outrun him? A chance I would have to take. YES! MAKE A BREAK FOR IT! AND...yet... my feet seemed disinclined to go My courage was refusing to flow. OH, how did he know it would be like this? Suddenly, I felt his kiss on my lips I had been so caught up in thought I hadnt even felt his closeness and yet, now it was ALL I COULD...feel. I felt myself REEL under his staggering appeal I COULD FEEL again how long it had been since I had known that much emotion The notion that I ever could had never even crossed my mind. Suddenly, everything is fine. Yes...he isn't a wild animal at all but merely a boi JOY the sweetest boi I have ever known. He has shown me the way, made my day and my life, has taken my internal strife and washed it all completely away He has come to stay and I may finally know true love again. when, how, why???? who knows or cares...and THIS TIME, it won't be the ludicrously incessantly crudely and too quickly over... puppy stuff of my recent but suddenly absent youth. NO, as long as he shares his life and love with me MY PANTHER my love sleek, lithe, full of life and humor and fun and quirks and kinks I thinks I want to keep him. Keep him close. Put my nose and my lips and my chest up against his and stay there locked in his arms forever NEVER to part. Be still my heart for now. For now, I know the love of MY Panther and it is the BEST love in the whole wide world swirled in time boi, so fine panther love. Shove me in his direction make my correction and mark me sold and delivered I shivered when I first saw him and shivering I am still.,. Will he stay? And play? Evey day? Forever? Oh please,boi...seize me in your grasp and keep me held tight for as long as there is time. Ill climb you like a tree and never leaf. Hehe ADDENDUM... Dustybear..09/08/03... AND NOW! The original piece..THE PANTHER #1 THE PANTHER... )))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) Like A Panther your love came sleek, powerful, overpowering showering me with a rampant kiss urgent bliss deep promise solace protective love forever walking beside my faint heart I start to dream again to believe the impossible no trouble for you for you see You see through my masquerade rip away the mask TEAR to shreds my indiscriminate fear dear you are to me now In silence you take my hand, grasp my love between the teeth of your emotion throwing caution to the wind no more do I fend for myself for I have YOU and our love now overshadows my shadows follows my fear & strips me of it to fit your love deep inside & replace my empty mindless life with your sweet kiss SO powerful in its continuation, its culmination its emotion the notion that I could EVER live without it now G O N E! Gone, like a forlorn hope distilled into a blended vodka warm in its consummation gentle kickstart to my heart You stalk my path take the wrath of my loneliness & give me a loving hug you surround me like a rug . inject me like a drug of power you shower me with your deep passion mashing my former life beneath the hoofs of your sleek body SHODDY now every other dude seems and there are reams I could write about you, your love, your touch YOU are my future, my hope my dream SLEEK..it would seem. Strong. I belong to you now How could I ever live without you through the years Torture would become my only friend without your love, when would I die Immediate. Swift. Sure. No cure for the disease that being without my boi here would be Lonely dead me forever more I implore you to come take my life, love, hand & heart never to depart andsave me from the endless searing pain that would be my life again without you so blue without you no you no me for without you to adore, THERE WOULD BE NO MORE no more no more no more! Like a beach without a shore like a musical without a score like a conflict without a war like a shopping district without a store without you... THERE WOULD BE... no point no more no more! 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000 Something ugly this way comes Through my fingers sliding inside All these blessings all these burns I'm Godless underneath your cover Search for pleasure search for pain In this world now i am undying And From the flame, my nation helpless Black black heart Why would you offer more Why would you make it easier on me, to satisfy I'm on fire Im rotting to the core I'm eating all your kings and queens All your sex and your diamonds As i begin to lose my grip On these realities your sending Taste your mind and taste your sex I'm naked underneath your cover Covers lie and we will bend and borrow With the coming sign The tide will take the sea will rise and time will (rape) Black black heart Why would you offer more Why would you make it easier on me, to satisfy I'm on fire I'm rotting to the core I'm eating all your kings and queens All your sex and your diamonds Black black heart Why would you offer more Why would you make it easier on me, to satisfy I'm on fire I'm rotting to the core I'm eating all your kings and queens All your sex and your diamonds

IF...

Somtimes, I just sit by this window...looking out at the world going by...and wonder why, and how...

it seems to be going so much faster now.

It didn't used to be this way.

Hey, I'm still young and full of life...

(In my mind and imagination...and...)

The steamy hot elixir for my soul comes wafting up from my cup...as I sit here and contemplate...what?

Where is my ladder?

I want to...CLIIIIIMB...up to where that eagle flies.

Swoop and curve and FLY...

Maybe not today.

It's hard to climb that ol' ladder...with these arthritic knees.

Please. How did that happen?

I can hear the snappin' now and again. When? Did that...

Pah. No matter. Tomorrow that will all be gone...and I will do that climb thing. On a wing of pure steel, and hi-creative stuff, I will fluff that cloud over there...

SWOOP down and scare all those old folks...those slo-pokes...those, sigh. Such as I.

A tear begins to...

NO!

C'mon MIND....WE CAN...

Hand over my agility...just one more time...

I'll show those young whippers..

Snippers of...something.

I don't remember now.

How...did....?

Only yesterday, it was...when me and my oh so wondrous dreams...

WE...were the HIT of the neighborhood.

I stood...at the precipice of life...and chewed off a hunk,

and RANNNN...to the end of the block...AND BACK...

Now, I lack the energy, stamina, BREATH...to get that far...

TOMORROW, though...I will...by cracky.

Snacky on dreams...and those reams of things I always meant to do...

Few did I actually begin...even less did I...do to...the end...

Why?

I knew life was short.

C'mon sport. Reel them all back in...and, THIS time...

Sigh.

The steam from my coffee...titillates my nostrils...wiggles the hairs in my nose..

God knows...I can still wiggle other parts of me...

Just not as often, or as well...but, BY GOD...

Tomorrow...OH YES I WILL...YOU'll see...oh you doubters of my ability to seize the challenge of a life WAY too devoted to the things that I THOUGHT were OH SO important...

and YET...

Now...

Now...

Life is not fair.

Where was ALL this wisdom, and all this knowledge...WAY BACK WHEN I needed it...but all I had then was youthful exuberance. But, no wisdom. Only zeal...and NO IDEA what it should be used for.

I was in that trance they call adolescence...way into my forties.

I WOULD LIVE....or at least exist...FOREVER...

Never would I...be....

what I have now become.

OH NO...

I, kind sirs and madames...

I, was gonna FLY....like that EAGLE UP THERE....

until HELL froze over...

Does one detect a chill in here? Or is it just me....

I pull my blanket up to my chest...and rest my weary head..on the place where old wishes and dreams go to play.

HEY!

AT THE BEHEST OF ME, JUST BECAUSE...

I DEMAND A RECOUNT...

NO?

Pfui.

That, dear ones, is a lot of HOOEY...

I'm JUST as good as I EVER was...

Just...not quite as...agile...

or spry...

WHY?

Why didn't I DO the things that are truly: 1) fun 2) challenging 3) fun 4) educational without being boring 5) fun

Pfui again. When will I ever learn...

I KNOW......

I will RUN...back and do ALL of them...one at a time, or all together...I KNOW I CAN...

Tomorrow. Yep. That is what I surely will do. Tomorrow...a wonderful place...where ALL your dreams come true. Next to yesterday, it's the most exciting place...a space where nothing is impossible, just barely out of reach. Teeech? How do I get back there?

Weary, I feel.

Even just the thought of all that thrashing about...

But, by all that is holy...I'm ASSUREDLY gonna rout the good times, and TAKE THEM....to the sky...

where that Eagle soars...

scores one for the gipper...

'Who was he again?'

"Yes?"

Sorry, you must excuse me. It's time for my pill. Open mouth, pop in that swill, and swallow..while I wallow in my memories...and wonder...

What WILL tomorrow truly bring?

SPRING...in my step.

Volley on to the next big step on the ladder.

RUN to the next milestone in the race.

ROAR to the next place where I shall end up...with my cup full of ideas...screaming all the way with joy...

BOY, does that sound like...

work. Sigh.

You know?

It may sound like I am feeling a tad sorry for myself...here on the shelf of life, but...

actually, it hasn't been all that bad.

Oh, there have been a few bumps...and grinds, hehehe

A mountain or two. Few, really.

More hilly than anything else.

Felts the wind in my face more than once...as I....

Wish I could remember...

Do you?

Yep, I guess...all in all, for all my new-found sense of wisdom that I SHOULD have had way back then...but...

I can't complain.

I have this window, don't I.

Food, caring friends. My books. Music.

AND, I STILL HAVE MY DREAMS...

MY HOPE...

Nope, that ain't gone. Not yet..

Thet is foah sure.

MY hope?

My hope is that all those young just-startin'-outs...out there...will hear me...and see..

you gotta grasp it all while you can.

But, they never do hear, do they?

Did we, my old friend?

Huh?

When some 'OLD' person tried to tell US?

We made a fuss and didn't pay NO mind...

I find that actually pretty funny, but honey?

That's just the way I guess.

Ok, Less and more...the score is even...fair to say...

So, I'll just sit here and enjoy the view for now..

and, how about tomorrow?

What you say, dear one, that we go kick some swooping eagle butt...

and crack open a nut of wondrous things...have some flings...and then we can come back and take our pills, and our naps...

Snuggle close.

That I can still do, right?

DAMN right.

I can cuddle with the best of them. Better than those young upstart knuckleheads anyday. I got LOTS of practice.

Oh yes I...

better mention just one more thing before I take my nap.

Love. That's the ticket...to wonder...

I'm kinda fonder of that magic...

Tragic that so few ever truly find it, huh.

But, as they say...that's they way life goes...

and goes...

and...

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Snorrffle..

Tomorrow, BY GOD...Tomorrow,

IF I can get these knees to work,

and my mind to be clear...

and...

I can bring you back from the sky...

Why? Honey?

Why did you have to go and leave me here...where I don't seem to know what to do anymore...

without your smiling face, and your loving arms...and...

Ahhh yes. Tomorrow, I'm gonna get out that trusty ol' ladder...

and I am gonna climb..ALL the way to where you are...

Cause...I miss you so...SO much...I miss your touch, my precious...It always did warm me and push the cobwebs and bad stuff away...

Oh, before I forget...

Or...

Wait...

I can't seem to...

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Yep, tomorrow...IF...

)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

'IF...'

Written 03/27/07 by Dustybear

ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

BEARPIECES #1...THE DARKNESS c 2007 by Dustybear

THE PROLOGUE

"Mawnin' Ofee. It's cousin Chahles, dear."

Ofelia had answered the telephone, expecting to hear from Elke. This took her by surprise.
It had been several weeks since she had heard from her cousin down in Lewziana.

"Chahles? Lawd Hawney. How are yah?"
"I'm okay, Ofee deah...but, sad to say, we got a problem."
"Oh?"

"Mawnin' Bear. It's me...Ry."

I had answered the telephone, expecting to hear from Rose. This took me by surprise.
It had been several weeks since Ry had called me.


"Ry? Dwacious. How are yah?"
"I'm okay, Bear. Afraid though that we got a problem."
"Oh?"

I of course had no clue what this was about. Nor did I know about Ofelia's cousins call to her.
Ry would tell me of course. He had already talked to his cousin Chahles, and to his mother Ofelia.

Ofelia of course had no clue either what this was all about. Nor did she know about her son Ryan's call to me...while she and her cousin were talking.

We WOULD find out...
and both Feelie and I would come to a point of wishing we hadn't taken those calls.

OH HELL yes.

But, unfortunately, we did...and with that Feelie and I, and the rest of our friends...began another trek into wonderland. A place I personally am beginning to HATE...with a passion.

Wonderlands, to mah way of Bearthink, oughta be a place of magic and wondrous HAPPY things. NOT the dark, grim, terror-filled place we were about to find ourselves inhabiting.

SO MUCH FOR THE BROCHURE!

Drat.

HERE WE GO AGAIN...PFUI!

Yes, and so we do...and so will you, as Bear and the rest of the Redneck Mafia, descend into 'the darkness' in both Missouri and Louisiana. God help us all.

)(

'The Dustybear Chronicles - Book 9 THE DARKNESS
copyright c 2007 by Dustybear
All Rights Reserved

HE WANTS TO BE AN ACTAH

He wants to be an ACTAH

and go to Hollywood. Yup, It's true
to be seen and adored by millions..
of the rest of us...
like me and you...

He wants to go and act and sing
maybe dance a little too...
and do that in the MOVIES
to be seen by me and you.

We will fork over our hard earned dough
to see his talents emerge...
and every time I will look up there at him
I will feel my heart do a little surge

I will think...."I KNEW HIM WHEN"
when he was truly an unknown.

Course, now he has become a HUGE STAR
and to all those naysayers, he has shown

HE HAD IT.
HE HAD THE STUFF...
and the proof is plain to see
but what they really DON'T get shown
is ALL the work and pain it takes...
all done to be seen by you
and me.

NOPE. We don't see. We just sit in our seats
with popcorn in hand...and a drink...
and NEVER STOP to really analyze
or with our eager minds to think.

That boi.

He went to HOLLYWOOD
to become a great big star.
He went and he worked so hard,
and, BY GOD. It all took him really far.

But you know? I have to wonder...oh yes I do.
At night?
When all the work is done?

I WONDER...
if this big hero stud-muffin star
truly has any REAL fun.

NOT the HYPE
NOT the "GLAMOUR"
NOT the FANTASYland crap
NOT the stuff of dreams...

Nope. Just
walking hand in hand
in the moonlight,
two hearts touching.

I'm wondering if maybe sometimes?
Does his heart scream? Just a little?
For the wanting...of,
the things he is missing.

Walking along, kicking sand.

Two lovers along the beach.

OR DOES HIS HEART...STOP...
NOW AND AGAIN?
IS REAL LOVE for my big strong hollywood star,
just out of reach?

The love of someone NOT a STAH
LOVING This boi
for WHO HE REALLY IS.

NOT just for the image,
the manufactured celluloid...pop the cork champagne fizz,
that truly isn't much comfort in the cold wee small hours.
Empty hearts and plastic flowers and that is pretty much all.
Rise and then fall...and then...
WHAT?

No. I KNOW that boi.
I KNOW...he is needing someone to hold at night...
someone to run laughing behind a kite
kicking sand in each others face.

Someone to be LOOKING at HIM, and feeling their heart race

LOOKING...
at HIM...
not the make-up and the made-up, but HIM...
and this feeling of being
LOST IN SPACE

overcoming the race to the top of the bottom of the pile
where most actors eventually end up...
bankrupt of looks, sometimes money too...and the fame they
had so earnestly and devoutly sought...
and believed that that was what they needed to be WHOLE.
But, instead, winding up with a HOLE...in their heart,
where another PERSON oughta be.

AHHH, this timeless...ageless...pancake-make-up wonder

I wonder...
Will Hollywood tear him and his dreams...all asunder?

and hand him FAUX stuff..
cotton candy fluff
made up of...nuff..in?

I look up
at the screen...
DAMN,

still...
loving him, and
only wanting the best for that old love of mine...
and praying and hoping he won't settle for the rest.

and OH YES...remembering...
as a tear falls...yes, remembering...
SO good it was...back then...
back...then.

I knew him when.

We were SO good, but he wanted SO MUCH
to be an ACTAH.

Sigh.

(The phone rings...).

ENGULFED

I fought

the thought

the notion

like an ocean

it seemed to engulf me

I really knew

the view

into that abyss

was maybe not a pleasant

one

walking alone

flipping small stones

across the water

I oughta know better

the fresh crisp scent

of autum in the air

leaves fallen everywhere

like my emotional

well-being

seeing little

of my surrounding

landscape

I had come here

to escape

my worry

no hurry here

almost timeless

the messy visions

like the proverbial

sugar plums

while faeries danced thru my head

led by a nagging

doubt

almost a shout

rumbling thru my

discomfited

reverie

I knelt down..to pick at

a "last one of fall" flower petal

my heart felt like it was

entombed in a metal

caseing...

standing up,

I began pacing again

slowly walking on

I heard a fawn deer

somewhere near

traipsing

as they are wont to do,

trying to escape being someones

trophy or dinner

would it be a winner?

WOULD I>?

NEW LOVE
can be oh so hard

the wonder, the mystery

the uncertain things...

ahhhh...

sometimes your heart sings

sometimes its just fraught

with the history

of previous loves gone horribly

wrong

sometimes a VIBRANT love song

sometimes not

sometimes a spot of champagne

sometimes a glass of something

almost not drinkable...

unthinkable...

a virtual roundtable of emotions

cascading....

feelings

dealings

going on within

that silly thing

called your heart

that frequently does part company

with right good sense

DO YOU BUILD A FENCE?

or an open door?

do you want less, or more?

what does HE want?

A fun night?

or forever..

always?

or never?

will he come to play?

or to stay?

will YOU be the ONE for him?

he for you?

AHHH>>

NEW

SO NEW

and so I find myself out here

lost in thought

a fraught with danger time

excitement

anticipation

longing

longing to BE..

belonging.,.

needing....

WHAT?

A TIME OF REFLECTION

of meditation

of anticipation

of waiting

waiting for .....

MORE?

MORE?

less?

what a mess my heart is right now

I walk on,

alone,

and wonder........

____________________________________________________________________________________________

ENGULFED

COPYRIGHT C 2003 DUSTYBEAR

ALL RIGHTS RESERVED
NO UNAUTHORIZED COPY OR REPRINT WITHOUT PERMISSION